Bone broth isn’t just a superfood. It’s the fucking Hulk of foods because, like the green dude, it has regenerative powers and is resistant to mind control. Plus, if you’re not a shitty cook, it tastes really good. Like gravy. Really fucking good gravy. The kind you lick off the plate when no one’s looking. And it’s super easy to make. So let’s get started. You’ll need the following items.
1. Protective eye-wear. This is a must because to prepare bone broth, one must enact the Hulk Smash.
2. Some type of animal carcass, joints, necks, feet, etc. You can also add organs. Bone broth will be healthier and more nutritious the closer you are to vomiting during prep. I use the picked-over remains of two to three roasted chickens. This makes enough broth for me for the week.
3. Mjolner. That’s right. Don’t take any shit from those bones. Fucking end them. A hammer is fine if you’ve misplaced Mjolner, but if that’s the case, I don’t think we can be friends anymore.
4. An apron. It doesn’t matter what kind of apron you wear. It can be covered in little FSU football helmets, red lips, or even monkeys. (Monkeys are awesome, and if you misplaced Mjolnir but have a monkey then we can be friends again). It doesn’t matter what your apron looks like because with your protective eyewear and enchanted hammer, you already look ridiculous. No apron style can hurt at this point. Wear the apron or wear marrow, fat, and meat bits.
5. A sturdy counter top. If you don’t think your counter top will stand up to Mjolner then mess up a friend’s counter or perhaps the counter in your office’s break room.
6. A cauldron, stock pot, or slow cooker of some sort. Wait, you have a cauldron? Why do you have a cauldron?
7. Just enough water to cover the carnage. 2 to 3 tbsp. of apple cider vinegar. ACV is your secret ingredient, but don’t worry, you won’t be able to taste it. Marrow likes to be an ass and doesn’t want to come out of the bones hence the beating. The ACV is like a magnetic force, pulling the asshole marrow into the water. Add salt to taste.
8. 311 Creatures. No, no, no, no. NO! Not 311 creatures. What the hell’s wrong with you!? I meant the song. You need something to evoke the Hulk Smash be it pictures of GOP dickholes or an image of Josh Duggar. Music is great. Bone bashing music like Barbara Streisand. Own the Hulk rage. Get mad. Get medieval. Get green. Let your inner creature out and destroy! See? You haven’t even ingested it yet and already the bone broth is making you feel better. 😀
9. Time. This fucking shit takes forever to cook. That’s why I use a crock pot fool.
10. Now you’re all set to make bone broth. Beat those bones like you have never beat anything before in your life. Own them. When you’re done, scrape that shit off your counter, chuck it in your weird ass cauldron, cover with water, add the vinegar and salt, then top with a lid. Let that shit cook for 24 hours. Some people say it doesn’t take that long, but I don’t give a fuck. I do it for 24 hours because it makes my house smell like KFC and I fucking love KFC. Stir and taste occasionally. Add salt to taste. If you like herbs and veggies, wait until the last few minutes of cooking to add them or your shit will taste like kielbasa, which isn’t so bad if you like a hot mug of sausage. I only use salt and that shit is golden yo. Literally.
After it’s finished cooking, strain the carnage into a container. You’ll be tempted to eat the meaty bits because it smells so fucking good. That’s tight and all right.
If after your broth cools and you try to pour a mug because you thought that shit would be liquid, but now you’re freaking out because it’s actually fucking meat jello, it’ll be all right. Calm the fuck down. Meat jello means you didn’t fuck this shit up. Now relax. Watch it wiggle. Giggle. Praise Mjolnir. Gelatin is made from collagen, found in the marrow you beat out of the bones. That’s what’s gonna make your body have regenerative powers. FUCK. YES.
Bone broth is groovy any time of day, but it’s also perfect for soup stocks and bases and spells that call for gravy.