Masturbation is a fairly common pastime for most people, likely since the first fish crawled on land and discovered that the friction of sunbaked earth on genitals made for an unexpectedly groovy feeling. As evolution progressed, others in the animal kingdom from rodents and primates to dolphins and whales, walruses and penguins found they too enjoyed a hearty bout of self-fulfillment on occasion, and I think if T-Rex had not been dealt such an unkind hand (I’m sorry), then this therapod may not have been such a tyrant. Eventually, humans discovered masturbation, and our ancestors would be horrified to know that modern women have taken the experience to entirely new dimensions.
Modern humans have done away with those ancient playthings of stone (OUCH AF) and camel dung (NASTY AF), and now we have a wide array of tools with which to pleasure ourselves. But the power of these tools pales in comparison to that of the vagina, and sadly, all that masturbatory awesomeness was too good to be true.
Unbeknownst to ancient man, the vagina is, in actuality, a portal to another dimension that for centuries went unnoticed. Unfortunately, that dimension is hell. Modern women have been strongly discouraged from engaging in any form of genital stimulation not provided by a man lest Satan emerge from their quivering vaginas to fulfill his mission of world domination.
The problem is, when women begin to rub one off, demonic spirits emerge from the vagina’s hellish portal, which I’m certain is located somewhere near the G-spot (short for Gehenna. Fact!). The purpose of these vagina demons is to help the woman orgasm because despite what science would have us believe, the clit, pelvic floor, uterine wall, and anus do fuck all for climax. When a woman begins to experience arousal from self-pleasuring, blood rushes to her vagina. This blood sacrifice is necessary or the demons won’t come. Science has yet to explain how the modern woman’s reproductive organs evolved into a conduit for supernatural entities, but I blame Kegel exercises (SHADY AF).
If a woman wants to prevent the escape of demons from her nefarious magic muffin, she must only engage in heterosexual sex. This perfect union protects the human race from cunt demons. You see, when a man thrusts inside a hopefully willing female participant, his dick repeatedly pushes the door of the vaginal hell portal shut thus preventing the apocalypse.
Women love to masturbate because they’re evil and why stop at one apple when you can have them all? It’s difficult to only be aroused when an available, willing man is present. Still, it’s up to us to not endanger humanity by summoning Satan and his demons for our own pleasure when we could do something equally rewarding. Like baking. To date, the best method for shutting down these urges is to summon the mental image of Senator Ted Cruz.
If you know a woman who is playing with herself and bringing destructive demons into the world, please, fuck her for humanity’s sake.