Circa 1863, a young bloke named Johnny came marching home, and everyone felt gay. Such was the gaiety that it was decided at that very moment that Johnny would be the first person ever trolled by humanity. Somewhere in the spirit realm, this poor young man has been tortured by his very own personalized soundtrack for over a century. I’m certain a volatile rage has been brewing in Johnny’s writhing soul, and I fear this rage will soon explode.
The original Johnny will awaken and resurrect dead Johnnys the world over. The end of time will culminate with the Johnny apocalypse. Honestly, who could blame him? I mean, the Andrews Sisters called him ugly, and if that insult combined with the nails on metal tune of da-da-da wasn’t enough to make him roll beneath the daisies, I’m sure Josie Cotton asking him if he’s queer was enough to make him bolt upright. I’d be a massive ball of writhing energy too.
I can picture the spirit of the departed Johnny clawing at ears long decomposed as Julie Brown’s homecoming queen dedicated her homicidal rampage to his honor. And what if sounds in the spirit world are heightened? Oh, the horror of bebop a lula, baby what I say, at spirit-world decibel levels. Aaaagh!
Why Johnny, you ask? Who’s Johnny? He’s the new kid in town. He fought the Devil down in Georgia with naught but a fiddle. Twice. He’s a gentleman who said don’t take the girl. He’s an angel. He was a Judy lovin’ cheat that left a poor, white girl crying at her own damn party. Who does that? Johnny does, and that’s not all he does. He sounds sad on the radio. He gets angry. He kicked a hole in the sky. He’s thunder. He’s the drug addict uncle with a band. He’s only a lad. He’s the bringer of liquor and drugs and a fast machine. He’s a girl. He’s brother to the moon. Who can honestly say they hardly knew him?
There’s no question that Johnny makes us feel strangely good about ourselves, but how does he feel about humanity’s ceaseless musical homage in his name? I fear we’ve made him stronger in death. We’ve made him the Chuck Norris of music and mark my words people, the Johnny Apocalypse is coming, and the world will end when Johnny strikes up the band.